Sparrow B

I understood today how unrequited love can be so tormenting and traumatic. I was reading the passage that made me realize that my love would never be reciprocated and I would never be important. I trembled and felt pressure all around. It was the first time that I felt like crying out loud and throwing objects, things I never understand why people on TV do. It was not really that exaggerated after all.

My mind revolved around this affair for the whole semester, making me like a crazy stalker. I was a sparrow four years back, not ready and too vulnerable. When we watched the sparrow on our first meeting, I thought it was time for me to be ready. Yet, I am still the same. I tried my best and I am still hurt, knowing the consequences all along.

I was just too foolish. We have little in common and little understanding, yet I'm totally infatuated. I have thought of things that could happen, things that could become reality but it was just a dream. I remember you calling me Bobby, I remember humming goodbye my love, I remember thinking about sapir-whorf, I remember wearing your slippers. Things so precious to me that would nonetheless be nothing to you.

Who they be, I don't really need to know. But I just wanted to know who they are, though I was never in a position to be jealous. It is not that important actually. I just hope I could recover from my addiction that is you, B.

An M holiday

Sorry for procrastinating. I am finally back again.

I'll just start from the time when the exams ended. The semester ended really quickly and the prospect of having such a long three month holiday can be stressful for me. It became a huge burden on me to make full use of this period and not waste it like what I did to many other holidays.

The usual routine for many of those one month breaks are not very spectacular. Sleeping till I wake naturally, nibble my lunch for an hour and surf mindlessly or play silly games on the computer. Then I'll take another nap after I get dizzy from staring at the computer screen. I'll have my dinner and watch chinese drama serials and the day gets done just like that.

The day would be good if I get motivated enough to go for a jog, or passionate enough to play CDs and hold a concert, or lucky enough to go for a gathering or a date. It amuses some to see how awfully bland a person's life can be.

Thus when the exams ended, I was anxiously looking for a job. Brendan was with me to register with the job agencies and we went to 4 of them in an afternoon. The funny thing is that he went back to do his taka sales job right after that.

I was offered a surveyor job with the ministry of manpower and I accepted it only to know I was exploited by the agency. Nonetheless, it was a fairly good experience with enough flexibility for a piscean and a people-oriented job scope for the psychologist in me. I shall elaborate in later chapters.

The holiday is going pretty well. Its an M holiday: with movies, mahjong sessions, music lounges and the Ministry of Manpower.

The Egonerd Syndrome

I self-diagnosed a mental illness recently which I shall name the egonerd syndrome. I shall analyse myself for this new-found illness for the benefit of all medical researchers and psychologists.

I have been getting terrible grades recently. It started with my philosophy term paper which I got 15/25. It most probably translates to a B- which I have difficulty accepting. It was such a horrific experience getting B-. I took a peek at other people's papers and found several 15's too. I hope our tutor had undermarked us and convert our raw scores to something more presentable.

Symptom 1: People suffering from the egonerd syndrome are unable to accept low academic grades and constantly look for clues to external factors that might have contributed to their failure.

Then I got back my Japanese paper which I scored 46/60. I was disgusted with how badly I failed my listening comprehension section. And I was scolding myself for changing to an incorrect answer for my reading comprehension section due to my indecisiveness. Seeing other people get 35 did not reduce my cognition of how badly I have done and hearing other people getting 50+ disturbs me.

Symptom 2: People suffering from the egonerd syndrome are perfectionists who have high expectations of themselves. They desire to be amongst the top scorers and are in considerable stress when they are unable to do so.

Then I got back my 2nd stats test which I have deproved from 27.5/30 to 22/30. It has made my mood foul since then. However, I remind myself that there are people with single digit scores who are worse than me.

Symptom 3: People suffering from the egonerd syndrome tend to look for people who scored badly to boost their unstable self-esteem.

I was doing a take-home quiz and checked my answers with my friend. I was particularly sure of most of my answers that I took effort to find out and dismissed my friend's different answer as wrong.

Symptom 4: People suffering from the egonerd syndrome are self-righteous about their academic work and despise those who had different answers that they think are wrong.

Conclusion: People suffering from the egonerd syndrome are basically egoistical nerds who are self-righteous, disgusting and are obsessed with getting high academic grades.

Am I suffering from the egonerd syndrome? Am I this disgusting? Why would scoring high in a silly test matter to anyone. It eventually means nothing and no one will remember it.

Emphasis should be placed on more important things like understanding people, reciprocating smiles and listening to stories of joys and woe. There is no need to get too uptight about grades. Rather, live frivolously and succulently and you will find that it means much more than a silly grade for your intellectual ability.

Understand people. Why do nerds love to study so much? Why do they take pride in doing better than other people? Here is a little insight:

Once there was a man who made metal balls. His metal balls are the best in the world. They are the roundest and the weight is equivalently spread out throughout the ball. No one could make better metal balls than him.

Nevermind that he is ugly, poor, unathletic, useless and has no friends. He still makes the best metal balls in the world. Metal balls are his life and he constantly maintains and improves his skill in making metal balls.

Then one day, the king came and declared that there is someone else who made better metal balls than him. This usually reserved and quiet man turned mad and threw his metal ball at the king and killed him.

The moral of the story is: Don't just make metal balls, make metal forks, spoons, knives, plates, pots and pans too.

To act my age

Oh one month already? I seem to be updating this blog on a monthly basis. Guess I should work harder than that.

It was a good month. All of a sudden I was 22. Neo and Charlie were so nice to treat me dinner and we also played that 'spot the difference game' at the arcade which was so much fun. At least for me. I guess I do not like anything too stimulating anyway and crazy ecstatic overnight parties are a little incomprehensible for me. Well, I passed that stage without even a chance to try anyway.

The dinner with my family was not so great as I was bothered with some silly cognition and threw a little tantrum. I just wished my mental age could catch up with my biological one. Other than that, it had been a quiet birthday for a quiet person.

The good thing is I did not study as much during this mid-term compared with the previous one. Or is this a bad thing? Well, it does not really matter. The social psych presentation was surprisingly fun though since I thought it would be a much detested chore. The preparations were minimal and the presentation in the form of skits reminded me of earlier days where I had so much fun acting. I just hope future presentations can be like this too.

TransAmerica was nice. Felicity Huffman acted so well. It was not easy for a woman to act as a man who wants to be a woman. Or simply, there is a certain difficulty when you are trying to be something you are not. I always thought I was rather good at acting but I discovered I was just being my true self. I am not very good at being something I do not want to be.

Brokeback mountain was a tad too boring and should be called laidback mountain instead. But it was a nice show on the whole..

This birthday was the first one that I did not make a wish over lighted candles. Perhaps I shall make one here. I wish I could become everything that I do not think I can be. Or at least, I would be able to act like one.

I Don't Want to Live on the Moon

I love songs from preschool tv programmes like Barney and Sesame Street! A lot of them are nice melodies and the lyrics are cool and rhyming. The unique voices of the various characters enliven the song too. Think Kermit the frog, I always thought he sang well. And of course here is my favourite Ernie with a really wonderful song!

I Don't Want to Live on the Moon

Written by Jeff Moss
1978 Festival Attractions, Inc. (ASCAP)
Sung by Ernie (Jim Henson)

Well, I'd like to visit the moon
On a rocket ship high in the air
Yes, I'd like to visit the moon
But I don't think I'd like to live there
Though I'd like to look down at the earth from above
I would miss all the places and people I love
So although I might like it for one afternoon
I don't want to live on the moon

I'd like to travel under the sea
I could meet all the fish everywhere
Yes, I'd travel under the sea
But I don't think I'd like to live there
I might stay for a day there if I had my wish
But there's not much to do when your friends are all fish
And an oyster and clam aren't real family
So I don't want to live in the sea

I'd like to visit the jungle, hear the lions roar
Go back in time and meet a dinosaur
There's so many strange places I'd like to be
But none of them permanently

So if I should visit the moon
Well, I'll dance on a moonbeam and then
I will make a wish on a star
And I'll wish I was home once again
Though I'd like to look down at the earth from above
I would miss all the places and people I love
So although I may go I'll be coming home soon
'Cause I don't want to live on the moon
No, I don't want to live on the moon

An Anniversary

It was a year ago when I decided to take a step out into a new world. A world where I hoped for a glimpse of hope and happiness. A world where I hoped for comfort and solace. There was a little. Nothing more than a fleeting moment, all too short-lived and superficial.

Substantial incidents have occured since then. Memories that I treasure and deeds that I regret. It is a harsh world that I can never fully comprehend.

I discovered I am not prepared yet. But if not now then when? I will have to work harder to prepare myself then, be it an excuse or a necessary stage. Or perhaps I expected to find something so extraordinary that I missed all the simplistically beautiful.

There is still ample to explore and plenty to hope for. It might be exhausting to run in circles but you never know what you find when you run back again.

Happy Anniversary. A miracle might just happen.

First Step

Declan walked today!